Why I Don't Belive in God
by catgurl83
Summary: An unexpected illness shatters Josh's world. JD


Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. I am making no money from this little hobby and am not worth suing.  
  
Author: Catgurl83  
  
Title: Why I Don't Believe In God  
  
Feedback: Much loved and appreciated.  
  
Rating: PG-13 for language  
  
Pairings: Josh \ Donna, Toby \ Andi  
  
Spoilers: Through season four  
  
Warning: Character death  
  
Author's note: Huge thanks to Classic She for beta reading this for me and for the suggesting this title! Your help is much appreciated!  
  
**********  
  
Replacing the phone into its cradle, Donna sighed. It felt like this day had been going on forever. Was it ever going to end? Glancing at the clock, she realized that the day had barely begun; it wasn't even noon yet.  
  
She loved her job, she really did but the hours were difficult. She had thought that her hours were long when she worked for Josh, now they were longer.  
  
Several months ago she had taken Mrs. Landingham's old position. The President had finally decided that it was time to find someone to take the dearly missed woman's place. The obvious choice had been Donna. Leo had known that she could handle the President and they needed to move her out of Josh's office. Josh had protested until Leo had pointed out the interoffice dating policy. As long as she was working directly for him, they couldn't be romantically involved. Since they had already been secretly dating for months, they both could have been fired. Josh had finally given in.  
  
They moved in together almost immediately after she became the President's secretary. The reporters found out but it didn't become the sex scandal that they were secretly afraid that it would. For the most part the White House press corps were happy for them. None of the regulars were surprised, they had been expecting it for years.  
  
Three months before, they had been married in a quiet ceremony with only family, close friends, and, of course, secret service agents in attendance. Neither of them had wanted their wedding to be the public spectacle that it easily could have turned into.  
  
With a sigh, Donna stood. Maybe she needed to get an early lunch. After getting Charlie to cover for her, she made her way down to the mess.  
  
Halfheartedly selecting a sandwich, fruit, and a soda she found a table at the side of the room.  
  
"Donna."  
  
Donna put the half gone sandwich down and looked up. A smile lit her face and her headache was nearly forgotten. "Sit down."  
  
"Thanks." Andi pulled the stroller closer and sat across from Donna.  
  
Donna leaned closer so that she could see the seven month-old babies inside the stroller. Huck was sound asleep but Molly stared back at her with wide eyes. Donna looked up at Andi. "May I?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Donna stood up and knelt in front of the stroller to remove the baby. She sat back down with Molly in her arms. The baby immediately went for her long hair. With a small chuckle, Donna gently pulled her hair from Molly's hand and flipped it behind her back.  
  
"What brings you here?" She asked Andi, who was smiling at her daughter.  
  
Andi sighed. "The nanny is sick so Toby and I are trading baby duties. I have a meeting so he gets to watch them."  
  
"It's difficult balancing the children with your careers, isn't it?"  
  
Andi nodded her agreement.  
  
"But you'd say it's worth it?" Donna pressed as she moved the remnants of her soda out of Molly's reach.  
  
"Definitely." Andi said without hesitation. "I wouldn't give it up for anything. It is the most incredible thing in the world." After a moment, she smiled. "Are you and Josh thinking about having a baby?"  
  
Donna sighed. "We've been discussing it. Josh wants to have a baby now. I'm not so sure."  
  
Andi glanced around to make sure that there weren't any reporters near by. "Why not?"  
  
Donna hesitated. She would normally discuss this type of thing with CJ but she didn't think that CJ would understand this time. She and Andi had become close in the last year since she and Toby got back together though so she felt like she could talk to her. "I want to have a child with Josh but I'm not sure that this is the right time. I mean I'm the President's secretary, I can't just take time off."  
  
Andi laughed. "Donna, he went months without hiring someone after Mrs. Landingham died. I think that he could make do for a couple of months while you were on maternity leave. If you talked to him, I'm sure that is what he'd say."  
  
"Probably." Donna admitted. "But I'm still not sure that I'm ready to take that step." She shifted Molly on her lap.  
  
Huck started to fuss and Andi took him out of the stroller. "Somebody needs changing." She spoke softly but avoided baby talk. She placed the still fussing Huck back into the stroller. "I'd better find a place to change him." She took Molly from Donna. "Call me if you want to talk again."  
  
"Sure. Thanks."  
  
She finished her lunch. She felt a little bit better and went back to her job.  
  
"Donna, are you feeling alright?"  
  
Donna looked up from the notes she was proof reading. The First Lady was standing across from her desk. "I'm fine, Ma'am."  
  
Abbey scrutinized the young woman. She had become quite fond of Donna in the months that she had been working directly for Jed. The last few times she'd seen her, Donna had seemed different. Quieter, tired, and now very pale. "You've seemed very fatigued for a week or so now."  
  
Donna smiled at Abbey. "I've been a little tired but that's it. Maybe the long days are catching up with me." She gave a small chuckle.  
  
"You've been working long hours for years now." Abbey scoffed. "Have you been having any other symptoms? Nausea?"  
  
"Not really. I was a little nauseous a few days ago but that's it."  
  
Abbey's grinned. "Could you be pregnant?"  
  
"Pregnant?"  
  
"Fatigue, nausea?"  
  
"I'm not sure." Donna hedged. "I hadn't thought about it."  
  
"Have you and Josh discussed having a child?"  
  
Donna straitened the papers in her lap. "We've discussed it but we weren't planning on having a child now."  
  
"Would you be upset about having a child now?"  
  
Donna thought about it for a few moments before answering the First Lady. "I think Josh would be a great father. We've babysat for Huck and Molly a few times and he's great with them. He really wants a baby of his own."  
  
"And you?" The First Lady pressed.  
  
"I'm not sure, Ma'am. I'd like to have a baby. I love spending time with the twins. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that right now."  
  
"You should make an appointment with your doctor." Abbey advised. "Maybe we are discussing this for no reason. You might just be coming down with a bug of some sort."  
  
"I will."  
  
The door to the Oval Office opened and Admiral Fitzwallace stepped out with Nancy McNally in tow.  
  
Donna stood as she heard the President call her name. She really was beginning to wonder how such intelligent people could have so much trouble with the intercom system.  
  
She stepped into the Oval, grateful to put that conversation behind her.  
  
**********  
  
Josh glanced down at his watch. This one actually worked, Donna had insisted on him having a working watch before the wedding so that he would definitely be to the church on time. According to his watch, he had a meeting with the President in a few minutes.  
  
He stepped into his wife's office. She was leaning back in her chair rubbing her temples. She looked horrible. "Donna?"  
  
She looked up and tried to smile. Her smile was definitely forced.  
  
Josh rounded her desk. "Donnatella? What's wrong?" She had seemed pale that morning but nowhere near this bad.  
  
He dropped his hand to her forehead and let out a curse. "You're burning up."  
  
She brushed his hand away. "I'm fine Josh."  
  
"No, you're not." Josh retorted.  
  
Donna stood up. Her hands fell to her desk as she tried to steady herself.  
  
"Donna?" Josh said again.  
  
This time she couldn't respond. Everything was fading.  
  
Josh caught her before she could fall. Holding her close, he looked over at Charlie who was watching them with concern.  
  
Charlie stepped out from behind his desk. "I'll ask the President to call Dr. Bartlett."  
  
"Thanks." Josh said absently as he lowered Donna to her chair.  
  
"Abbey's on her way." The President said as he stepped out of his office. He studied his young secretary with concern.  
  
For what he was sure was the first time, Josh ignored the President. His attention was solely focused on his wife who still hadn't regained consciousness.  
  
Minutes later Abbey ran into the room. "Josh, what's wrong?"  
  
"She's hot Dr. Bartlett, very hot."  
  
Abbey pressed her hand to Donna's head. It was indeed very hot. She turned to an agent. "We need an ambulance. Now."  
  
The agent nodded before speaking into his sleeve.  
  
"What's wrong with her?" Josh asked Abbey helplessly.  
  
"I'm not sure Josh." She answered truthfully.  
  
Jed met his wife's concerned eyes. Abbey's eyes were telling him that she thought something was very wrong with his young secretary. He just hoped that Josh could handle whatever it was.  
  
"I'm going to the hospital." Abbey told her husband, she had already turned back to the patient.  
  
Jed nodded. He had figured as much. "Take Sam along as well."  
  
Abbey looked up and gave her husband a small smile. Josh would need Sam if this was as bad as she was afraid it was. Even without knowing what was wrong, she had a gut feeling that it was bad. And she had learned long ago to trust her feelings.  
  
********  
  
Hours later CJ, Toby, and Leo stepped into the hospital. They made their way to the main desk.  
  
"Yes?" The young woman behind the desk asked. She didn't recognize them.  
  
"We need information on a patient." Leo told her.  
  
"Name?" Her voice was efficient but disinterested.  
  
"Donnatella Moss-Lyman." CJ answered noticing the other woman's change of expression.  
  
"I'm sorry but I cannot give out any information on that patient." She didn't sound sorry.  
  
"Fine. Where is her husband, Josh Lyman?" Toby asked impatiently.  
  
"Mr. Lyman is in a private waiting room."  
  
"Could you please direct us to it?" Leo's patience was wearing thin.  
  
"Are you related?"  
  
CJ sighed. "We work with both Josh and Donna." She gestured to Leo. "Mr. McGarry is the Chief of Staff at the White House. Josh is his deputy."  
  
She looked like she was about to waver. "Still."  
  
"Donna is the President's secretary." CJ went on. "The President is very close to his staff and is very concerned about Donna's condition."  
  
The woman's eyes widened as CJ had intended. "The President sent you?"  
  
CJ just nodded, a small smile playing in the corner of her mouth.  
  
"Mr. Lyman is in a waiting room on the second floor." She then gave them directions to the waiting room.  
  
They were all silent as the elevator made it's way up to the next floor. They quickly located the waiting room. Abbey's agents were standing outside the door. One of the agents nodded to Leo as he, CJ, and Toby past them.  
  
CJ quietly opened the door. She stopped at the scene before her. A distraught Josh sat on the couch between Abbey and Sam who both looked very concerned.  
  
Leo moved closer to Josh. "Josh?"  
  
Josh looked up. "She's sick Leo."  
  
Abbey moved over and Leo sat next to Josh. "How sick?" He asked gently.  
  
Toby and CJ silently found chairs across from the couch.  
  
"The doctor was just here. She's very sick."  
  
Josh stopped speaking and Abbey took over. "She has Hodgkin's Disease. Lymphocyte Depleted Hodgkin's."  
  
"Her chances?" CJ asked through a suddenly very dry throat.  
  
Abbey shook her head.  
  
"She didn't have symptoms soon enough." Josh whispered. "We had no idea that she was sick. Now, it has progressed too far."  
  
CJ stiffened. "Too far?"  
  
Tears spilled from Josh's eyes. "She is going to die. My wife is going to die."  
  
"Does she know?" Toby's voice was hoarse.  
  
Abbey shook her head. "She's been sleeping. The doctor is going to go in to tell her soon. Josh is going with him."  
  
Josh stood up and moved to the window. It was so bright and beautiful outside. How could it be? How could it be such a gorgeous day with what was going on in here? God must have a terrible sense of irony to have it be so beautiful outside and so gloomy inside.  
  
"How long does she have?" Leo asked Abbey so softly that Josh couldn't hear him.  
  
"Not long." Abbey answered quietly.  
  
"There isn't anything they can do?" CJ asked as a tear fell from her eye.  
  
"It is too late. It wasn't caught in time."  
  
"I didn't think Hodgkin's was this deadly." Toby observed quietly.  
  
"It isn't usually. Donna has the rarest and deadliest type." Abbey answered just as quietly.  
  
CJ rose her voice. "Josh? Is there anyone you'd like me to call for you? Your mother, Donna's parents?"  
  
It took a few moments for the questions to sink in. Josh slowly turned from the window. "Her parents. I didn't even think of them. They need to know but. could you wait until I tell her?"  
  
CJ's heart nearly broke at the desolation in his voice. "Of course."  
  
Josh moved back to the couch and sunk down. He let his head fall into his hands. "How am I going to tell her?"  
  
No one answered. They knew that he didn't expect them to. He needed the chance to work through this himself.  
  
Abruptly Josh stood up. "I've got to get out of here. I've got to take a walk." At the door, he turned around. "I'll turn my cell on. When the doctor comes back call me. I'll stay close."  
  
********  
  
He had known that something bad would happen if he allowed himself to have feelings for Donna. Bad things always happened to those he loved or cared about. Always.  
  
But never had it occurred to him that something like this would happen. He had just thought that he'd do something to screw their relationship up. Something to break her heart. He had been afraid that he'd end up doing something to loose her forever in every capacity.  
  
He hadn't wanted to risk it but in the end he hadn't had a choice. Their feelings for each other had just been too strong, too deep, too real.  
  
But nothing had happened. They had gotten married and no major obstacles were thrown in their way. Eventually he had begun to relax. His fear that something bad would happen diminished.  
  
Now this. Disaster always happens when you least expect it. When you think that everything is wonderful, your life can't get better.  
  
When the doctor had come in it had felt like the climatic end of a movie. Everything had seemed to move in slow motion. He could almost hear the dramatic music playing in the background. The words had left the doctor's mouth as if coming from a delayed sound track and it felt like his heart stopped for several seconds even though he knew that that wasn't actually possible. Everything had resumed at normal pace even though his heart had broken in two.  
  
How would he tell her? The question kept replaying in his mind over and over again. He knew that he should be the one to tell her, the doctor would be there but he would tell her himself. But how? How did you tell the most important person in your world that she is dying? That her own body is killing her?  
  
Josh clenched his fists at his sides as he wandered unseeingly through the beautiful garden. Birds were chirping happily. Squirrels chattered as they scampered around the park like surroundings. A man made brook ambled through bunches of trees and bushes. Bees flitted around the fragrant bushes buzzing softly. Josh heard none of it.  
  
"It isn't fair." He spoke aloud, although to whom he wasn't sure. It wasn't fair, not by a long shot. Why was it Donna who was sick, Donna who was dying? What had she done to deserve this? Nothing. It should be him, Josh thought. He was the one who should die. He should have died before, at Rosslyn. He had cheated death and now the woman he loved more than anything was paying for it. It wasn't fair.  
  
The trilling ring of his phone shattered the peaceful silence of the afternoon. Rabbits looked up from munching grass before taking off into the distance. Birds flew away at the unfamiliar sound.  
  
Josh pulled the phone from his pocket and glanced down at the screen. "Sam." He said into the phone. He listened for a moment. "Tell him I'll be up in a minute." He closed the phone and tucked it back into his pocket. He took a deep breath of the crisp, fresh air before spinning around to go back into the stark, sterile hospital.  
  
**********  
  
Donna woke up slowly. Where was she, she wondered. A slow, steady beeping filled her ears. It seemed to be coming from very close to her. She forced her eyes open.  
  
The walls were a stark white. Blinds covered the window, keeping the room very dark. Several machines stood around her bed. The beeping was coming from the heart monitor, she realized. An IV pierced the skin of her hand, a light liquid dripped steadily into her arm.  
  
Why was she in the hospital? Donna wondered. She didn't seem to be injured.  
  
She heard soft footsteps sounding in the hallway. They stopped right outside her room. Two people seemed to be talking in very low tones. She couldn't hear a word that they said but their tones seemed to indicate that something important was going on. They seemed intense, somehow.  
  
After what seemed like hours but in reality was probably less than two minutes, she didn't know because there didn't seem to be a clock in the room, the door opened.  
  
A man that she presumed to be a doctor stepped inside. Josh followed him and Donna smiled. Josh smiled back but it seemed forced to Donna.  
  
"Mrs. Moss-Lyman, I'm Dr. Pierce. I'm your treating physician. You'll have other doctors during your stay here but I'll be your main physician."  
  
Donna frowned. He seemed to think that she'd be here awhile. "Was I in an accident?" Panic filled her eyes and she turned to Josh. "President Bartlett?"  
  
Josh rushed to reassure her. "President Bartlett and the others are fine. You weren't in an accident." He paused. "You passed out at the White House earlier today."  
  
"I wasn't feeling well." Donna remembered.  
  
"How long have you been feeling ill?" Dr. Pierce asked.  
  
"A few weeks, off and on." Donna admitted. She glanced at Josh briefly before turning back to the doctor. "I've been wondering if I might be pregnant."  
  
Josh's head snapped back as if she had slapped him. He tried to hide his reaction but was sure that she had noticed it.  
  
"We did several tests while you were unconscious." The doctor told her. "You are not pregnant."  
  
Realization lit Donna's eyes. "I'm sick?" Her eyes swung to Josh who had perched next to her on the side of her bed. "I'm sick?" She repeated.  
  
"Yeah." The word was torn from him.  
  
"How sick?" Donna whispered fearfully. The look in her husband's eyes told her that it was bad.  
  
"Cancer." Josh whispered in response to her question. He figured that it was best to just tell her quickly.  
  
She closed her eyes briefly as the word played again and again in her head. Cancer. It was such a horrible word. She forced her eyes open again and again met Josh's eyes. "What kind?"  
  
"Hodgkin's."  
  
She turned to the doctor. "What's the prognosis?"  
  
The doctor hesitated. "There isn't a treatment that will cure you at this point. At most, we can prolong your life by a few months. Six at most."  
  
"And without life prolonging treatments?"  
  
"A few weeks. Possibly a month."  
  
Her eyes widened. A month. She had a month left to live. Of all the things that she had expected to hear, that wasn't one.  
  
The doctor started to speak, explaining the disease but she didn't hear anything that he said.  
  
She was dying and there wasn't anything that they could do to stop it. A hundred reasons for why she couldn't die ran through her head, none of them could change her reality.  
  
She vaguely heard the doctor tell her that he'd be back later if she had any questions. She nodded, not bothering to tell him that if she had questions she'd ask Abbey. Abbey. Maybe Abbey knew of a new treatment, an experimental treatment that could save her.  
  
"Josh?" She whispered his name into the silent room.  
  
Josh picked up his wife's hand.  
  
"Is Dr. Bartlett here?"  
  
Josh just nodded, not trusting his voice.  
  
"Does she know?" Donna was astounded by how weak she sounded.  
  
"Yeah. She and Sam were with me."  
  
"Good. I'm glad." And she was. She was glad that they were with him when he found out and she was glad that they'd be there for him when it happened. She was so glad that they had such a tight knit, supportive group of friends. "I'd like to talk to Abbey."  
  
Josh wasn't surprised. Whenever any of them was sick, they turned to Abbey. They trusted her more than any other doctor and probably always would. It didn't matter that she didn't have a license to practice medicine. He started to stand up.  
  
Donna grabbed her husband's arm. "Josh."  
  
Josh turned back to her.  
  
Her eyes turned pleading. "Please, stay. I can talk to Abbey later."  
  
Josh sat back on the edge of the bed. "I'll stay." He said softly.  
  
She scooted closer to him and put her head on his shoulder.  
  
Josh put his arms around her, holding her tight as she began to sob softly. As he caressed her soft blond hair he felt his own tears begin to fall.  
  
*********  
  
CJ sighed as she snapped her cell phone shut. That was possibly, the hardest thing that she'd ever have to do. She dropped the phone into her purse next to the list of numbers that Josh had handed her.  
  
She was just glad that there was at least something that she could do to help.  
  
Donald and Meredith Moss had barely reacted to the news that their daughter was very sick. They had both just gotten really quiet when CJ told them. CJ thought that she'd heard Meredith quietly crying but wasn't sure. Donald was going to call their two sons himself.  
  
Clara Lyman had gasped at the news. She had then peppered CJ with a barrage of questions which CJ had no answers to. CJ had gently told the woman that she really didn't know much but would definitely let her know when she knew more.  
  
President Bartlett's reaction was to immediately ask how Josh was doing. CJ had had to tell him that she wasn't sure.  
  
She really didn't know how Josh was. At first, he had been devastated and shocked. He had withdrawn from the group. When he emerged from his wife's room, he had been composed. She could tell that he had been crying but the tears were all dried. He seemed resolute. He had given CJ the numbers, got coffee for himself and Donna, and then gone directly back to her room. He hadn't been out since.  
  
With another sigh, she stepped back into the hospital and made her way to the elevator. She slowly made her way down the hallway to the waiting room. She wasn't in any hurry to get there. That room was just so depressing. She imagined that millions of people had been told devastating news in that room. Millions had found out that a loved one had died while they sat in that room. She knew that she was probably exaggerating but it really felt that way.  
  
Leo and Abbey sat together on the sofa talking softly. Toby appeared to be reading a report but she knew that he couldn't concentrate. Sam was straitening the stack of magazines on the table for about the twentieth time. They all looked up when she stepped into the room.  
  
"I called them." She stated simply.  
  
"Are they alright?" Sam asked with concern. He had met the Moss's several times and he was very close to Clara Lyman.  
  
CJ shrugged. "They were all very surprised but than so were we." She sat down and looked over at Leo. "I called Margaret."  
  
"Is she arranging the flights?"  
  
"Yes. She said that she'd get them all on the next flights here. She's also going to take care of letting the others at the White House know." She sighed. "We are going to have to make an announcement soon."  
  
Leo let out his own sigh. "Yeah. I was just waiting for everyone to be contacted."  
  
"If we announce it ourselves maybe it will blow over soon." Sam said hopefully. "Josh is high profile and Donna is the President's secretary and the story will have emotional appeal but they should loose interest pretty fast."  
  
"Let's hope so." CJ said.  
  
"Someone needs to speak to Josh before we announce this." Toby spoke quietly.  
  
"I'll talk to him." Leo stood. "Work on a simple announcement for CJ to read." The instruction was given to both Sam and Toby."  
  
Stepping out of the room, Leo hesitated. Deciding, he turned toward the elevator instead of toward Donna's room. He'd go downstairs and call Mal first and then go talk to Josh. This was not something that he wanted Mal hearing on the news.  
  
**********  
  
Two days later  
  
**********  
  
Josh stepped out of the hospital for the first time in nearly two days. Cameras went off trying to capture Josh's ragged appearance. His suit was rumpled and wrinkled, his hair mussed, stubble covered his face. All of that would soon change, his eyes would not. Dark bags hung around his deep, pain-filled brown eyes.  
  
Quickening his stride even more than usual, Josh hurried past the reporters as they called out questions. CJ's announcement two days before was all that they were going to get.  
  
Josh took a deep breath before starting his car. With one last look at the hospital, he pulled away. He did not want to be leaving right now, he didn't want to ever leave. He had made that argument to various people from Dr. Pierce, to well-meaning nurses, to Sam. He had even refused to leave when Abbey suggested it. But now, Donna was insisting and he could not say no to her. Especially not now.  
  
His wife wanted him to go home for a shower and a nap. He then had to go to the Residence for a decent meal, at Abbey's insistence. Josh was counting the minutes until he could go back to the hospital. Six hours at least.  
  
He sighed when he reached their apartment building. Reporters crowded around the entrance. With a fortifying sigh, he climbed out of the car and pushed past the reporters. The doorman held the door open for him while casting him a sympathetic look. Josh didn't want his sympathy or anyone else's for that matter.  
  
Exiting the thankfully empty elevator, he slowly walked toward his apartment. A wave of pain assaulted him as he stepped into the apartment, their apartment. Donna's essence was everywhere here.  
  
The apartment was meticulously organized yet inviting. It was elegantly cozy.  
  
Josh pealed off his suit jacket and dropped it on the sofa. His tie soon followed. Crossing the room, he glanced down at the answering machine. There were dozens of messages. He deliberately moved past the machine without pressing play. He couldn't handle the insincere sympathy that would likely be expressed in many of those messages. Nor could he handle the requests for interviews that were doubtlessly there. Any one important could reach him on his cell.  
  
Stepping into the master bathroom, the scent that was uniquely Donna assaulted him. The mingled scents of her body lotion, shampoo, and the lavender aroma-therapy candles that she kept on the counter hit him like a sucker punch. These smells had already started to be replaced by the scents of the hospital. It seemed as if everything there, including the patients, seemed to take on the scent of disinfectant after time.  
  
He turned the tap to the hottest temperature that he could possibly stand. As the nearly scalding water pounded down on him he wondered how he'd be able to handle coming back here when she actually died. Even the thought of her death made him sick and he quickly pushed it away.  
  
Not bothering to dress, he stepped through the bathroom door into the bedroom and fell down onto the bed. The pillows smelled like her and he pushed them away. Before the motion even registered, he pulled the pillows back to him. Closing his eyes, he imagined her here with him, snuggled close to him. Realistically, he knew that that would never happen again. Dr. Pierce said that she needed to remain in the hospital.  
  
Falling into a fitful sleep, his dreams overtook him. He was standing at the end of a long, dim hallway. Donna was standing right in front of him, facing him. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. He reached out and tried to pull her closer as he started to deepen the kiss. A hand on his chest, Donna pushed him away. Josh was left staring at her in shock as she started to ever so slowly step farther and farther away from him until finally she was at the very end of the hall. Now she was starting to fade. He could barely see her and then she was gone.  
  
Josh's eyes snapped open. Sweat covered his body. What the hell did that dream mean? There was no way that he'd let that happen. There was no way that he'd forget her, let his love for her fade.  
  
The bright red numbers on the clock told him that it was six o'clock. He'd slept for almost four hours. Much longer than he had actually planned on sleeping. He had just planned on resting long enough to humor his wife. The last thing she needed right now was to be worrying about him.  
  
Pulling a pair of pants on, he picked the phone up and dialed the White House. He had promised to let Abbey know when he woke up so that she could have dinner ready when he arrived. Not that he actually wanted to go but Donna would find out if he didn't.  
  
************  
  
"I'm worried about Josh."  
  
Clara sighed. The last thing she wanted to admit to her daughter-in-law was that she too was worried.  
  
"He's already freaking out, although he is doing a pretty good job of hiding it. He's pushed everything and everyone besides me away from him. When I die he's going to need all of you and I'm scared that he won't let any of you close enough to help him." Donna elaborated.  
  
Clara sighed again. She hadn't wanted to do this but apparently, she had to. "We've been discussing it."  
  
"Who's we?" Donna asked before Clara could go on.  
  
"Myself, Dr. Bartlett, Leo, and Sam. We are all worried about him too. Tonight, at dinner, Leo is going to suggest that Josh start seeing his therapist again."  
  
Donna allowed a brief smile to touch her face. "Good. Stanley will help him." The smile faded. Donna reached into the stand next to the bed. "I want you to give this to Josh for me." She noticed the confusion on her mother-in-law's face. "After. Once he's strong enough. I'll let you decide when that is."  
  
Clara gingerly accepted the sheets of paper with the hospital's emblem on them. She raised a questioning eyebrow.  
  
"I had a nurse get them for me late last night after Josh finally fell asleep. "  
  
Clara nodded. She thought about admonishing Donna about the need to sleep herself but knew that the plea would be ignored anyway. Her daughter-in-law could be as headstrong as her son when she wanted to be.  
  
"Donna."  
  
Donna suppressed a sigh as her mother stepped into the room. She loved her parents but they were being almost as protective as Josh was being. She didn't know how much more of it she could take. She knew that everyone meant well but it was stifling.  
  
Between Josh, her parents, Clara, their friends, and the hospital staff she wasn't being allowed to do anything for herself. It was as if Josh and her mother thought that by keeping her as inactive as possible they could keep her alive longer. Maybe they could but she doubted it. And even if they could, she didn't want them to. She didn't want to live like that.  
  
"I brought you some juice." Her mom said as she handed her a glass bottle of orange juice.  
  
Donna managed to keep from rolling her eyes as she accepted the beverage. Since she wasn't on a special diet, her mother had taken to trying to get her to constantly eat or drink. She thought that Donna needed to gain some weight. Why, Donna did not know.  
  
"I just spoke to Alexander."  
  
Donna dutifully took a sip of juice as she listened to her mother.  
  
"He spoke to the principle at his school. They are going to get a long-term sub to take his class so he can come here."  
  
She smiled. Alexander had always been her favorite sibling. She'd missed him since moving to DC. They spoke on the phone occasionally but not as often as either of them would like; their schedules were just too hectic. The last time she'd seen him was her wedding and they hadn't had much time to catch up.  
  
The door opened again and Josh came into the room. A bag hung from his shoulder and he was wearing a pair of slacks and a dress shirt.  
  
Donna was glad that he'd opted to wear more comfortable clothing. She knew that he'd insist on staying again tonight.  
  
Josh stepped up to the bed and gave his wife a light kiss. Pulling back, he gestured to the bag. "I brought you some things." He set the bag on the floor out of the way.  
  
Clara stood up. She gave her son's hand a squeeze before heading to the door. "I'll be back in the morning."  
  
"Goodnight Clara." Donna called softly, wishing that her own mother would follow Clara's lead.  
  
Josh took the seat his mother had just vacated. "Carol, Margaret, Ginger, Bonnie, Zoey, Charlie, Leo, CJ, Sam, Toby, Ed, and Larry all said to say hi for them."  
  
Donna arched a brow.  
  
"I stopped by the West Wing before going up to the Residence." He explained.  
  
"How was dinner?"  
  
Josh sighed. "Long. The President decided to quiz us on the economics of third world countries." He shuddered.  
  
Donna laughed as she imagined Josh's expression during the lecture that the President would have given before the quiz.  
  
"It wasn't funny." Josh protested. "I failed the quiz and for a few moments I actually thought that he was going to make me write a paper on the subject or something."  
  
Meredith Moss finally stood. She kissed her daughter's check. "I'll go now. I'll see you both tomorrow."  
  
Donna sighed with relief. "I didn't think she'd ever leave. I love all of them but this is getting tiring already."  
  
Josh startled. Tiring? "I'll talk to everyone tomorrow. We can limit the visits."  
  
"No." Donna quickly interjected. She took a deep breath. She knew that he wasn't going to like this. "I don't want to do this anymore Josh. Two days was enough. I want some normalcy."  
  
Josh stared at her blankly for a few minutes. "Normalcy? I don't."  
  
"I want to go home." Donna broke in.  
  
Fear filled Josh's eyes. "Home Donna? But you can't. You need to stay here."  
  
"I can't Josh." Donna sat up more in the bed. "I just can't. This is too much Josh. No one will let me do anything. People come to see me and either stare at me with pity, having no idea how to behave or they try to mother me."  
  
Josh blanched. "Mother you? We're all trying to help you Donna."  
  
Donna softened her voice. "I know and I love you all for caring so much but Josh it is so frustrating." She kept her eyes glued to his. "This inactivity is almost impossible for me. I need something to do." She paused for a few seconds. "I need to go home Josh."  
  
"I."  
  
Donna interrupted him again. "Do you remember after the shooting? Not directly after but once you had begun to recover some? How did you feel when everyone tried to keep everything from you? Tried to do everything for you?"  
  
"Frustrated." Josh admitted in a low voice. He sighed. "But this is different. You need medical treatment."  
  
"They can't help me Josh." Donna pointed out. "All they can do is help try to control the pain as it gets worse." Another pause. "I spoke to the doctor while you were gone Josh. He said that they can do the pain management at home. They can have a nurse come a few times a day."  
  
"But."  
  
"Josh please." She pleaded.  
  
Josh looked into the deep blue eyes that he loved so much. "Fine." The word was expelled on a sigh.  
  
Donna smiled at her husband. She knew that giving in had been very difficult for him this time. He wanted her with him as long as possible. She would rather have quality than quantity.  
  
**********  
  
Two Months Later  
  
**********  
  
Josh glared at the menu before him. Nothing on it sounded remotely appetizing. Food in general held no allure for him now.  
  
He slammed the menu down with enough force to draw curious stares from the people at the tables closest to his. He really didn't care.  
  
He glanced down at his watch. Another half-hour. The nurse would be at the house for another half-hour.  
  
This had become routine. Every day at about this time he'd go to a small diner or park near the apartment. Donna insisted that he used the nurses' morning visit as a chance to get time to himself. Time to himself was the last thing he wanted. He'd have time to himself for the rest of his life.  
  
He couldn't go to work either. Leo and the President had insisted that he take a temporary leave of absence. He couldn't set foot in the West Wing, at least not to work.  
  
So, he spent this time brooding. This was the time that he could allow his anger to take over. He was angry at everyone and everything. God for allowing it to happen, reporters and the public in general for their morbid fascination at this, CJ for not stopping the press, Abbey for not noticing that Donna was sick when they could have saved her, even Donna for not fighting hard enough. He knew it was irrational but he couldn't stop it. And that made him even angrier. He hated to not have control, over a situation or over his own emotions.  
  
Stanley said that his feelings were natural. Something about dabda. (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.) Josh couldn't care less.  
  
"Josh?"  
  
Josh looked up, a scowl on his face. The scowl faded but he continued to glare. "What?"  
  
Mallory slipped into a chair across from him. "How are you?"  
  
"How am I? I am not the one who is sick." He responded coldly. It wasn't that he was angry at Mal in particular, he wasn't. She just happened to be the one unfortunate enough to be talking to him.  
  
"No you aren't." Mallory agreed. "But you are the one whose wife is dying."  
  
Josh's eyes burned brightly. "That's right. My wife is dying. How the fuck do you think I'm doing?"  
  
Mal sat back in her chair, surprised at his language. She had known Josh since she was a baby and she had never seen him like this. Her father and Abbey had both told her that he wasn't doing well but she had never imagined just how bad he was.  
  
Josh dropped his face into his hand, rubbing his eyes. "She's dying Mal."  
  
"Yes, she is." Mallory agreed because she didn't know what else to say. She was just relieved that his anger had faded. She looked around the diner. Several people were watching them curiously. She stood up. "Let's go for a walk."  
  
Josh studied Mal for a few moments before standing.  
  
Outside, Mal turned left. Josh followed her.  
  
After five minutes of silence, Josh spoke. "We met with her doctor yesterday."  
  
Mal just waited for him to continue. She'd known him long enough to know to let him take the lead and tell her what he felt comfortable telling her at his own speed.  
  
"She's worse. A week, maybe two. That's it."  
  
Mallory swallowed back the lump forming in her throat at the desolate sound of his voice. "It's been almost two months Josh." They had initially been told that it would be a month or less.  
  
Josh let out a long sigh. "I know. I know." He was speaking softly. "I'm grateful. I really am but still. Everyday it gets worse. She gets worse. She is in so much pain." He was whispering now. "She's ready to end this. Ready to die. Ready to leave me." They reached a park bench and he sunk down onto it.  
  
Mal joined him on the bench.  
  
"She's leaving me Mal."  
  
"Oh, Josh." Mal whispered it. "She loves you."  
  
"She's leaving me. Why can't she fight it?"  
  
Mal had no idea what to say to that.  
  
"God, Mal. Why?"  
  
For a moment, Mal was afraid that he was going to break down. It would probably be very helpful to him to do so but not here, in public where anyone could see him.  
  
Josh regained his composure, barely. "I know I'm being selfish but I can't stop myself. I don't want to lose her."  
  
"I know." Mal soothed. "No one thinks you're being selfish here. We know how much you love her."  
  
Josh was silent for several minutes. He was a bit surprised that he was being this open with her. He hadn't even been able to be this open with Stanley. "I don't want her to suffer anymore." He whispered.  
  
Mal nodded, not trusting herself to speak.  
  
After a few more minutes, Josh stood and Mal knew that the conversation was over. They walked back to the diner in silence.  
  
**********  
  
Two Weeks Later  
  
**********  
  
Donna took a sip of her tea. She hadn't really wanted the drink but her mother had insisted and it was easier to accept the drink than to argue. Arguing exhausted her.  
  
Setting the mug back on the stand next to the bed took an incredible amount of her strength and she lay back on the bed, eyes closed as she tried to fight her exhaustion. Everything was getting hard for her now.  
  
She opened her eyes again and smiled at her husband who was sitting by her bed reading a paper. Josh had been great through all of this. She worried about what would happen to him when he lost her. She just hoped that he had the strength to deal with it. She knew that everyone would be there for him, she had gotten promises from all of their closest friends. She just hoped that he'd let them help him.  
  
As she reached for the mug and finished the last of the tea she thought about the day. Today was Sunday so most of their friends had been able to leave the White House for a while at least. Josh had carried her to the living room and they had all laughed and talked for hours. They had ordered pizza and Donna had made a strong effort to eat enough to keep everyone from being concerned.  
  
Zoey had even taken pictures. Rolls and rolls of pictures. She said that she was going to have them developed immediately.  
  
Donna hoped that the day would comfort all of them later because in her heart she knew that it was probably the last time that she'd see most of them. She wished that wasn't the case but she was ready. She had had over three months when the doctor had originally told her less than one month.  
  
"Josh."  
  
Josh looked up with eyes immediately filling with concern. She looked so tired. He had known that having everyone over at one time was a bad idea. She had over exerted herself.  
  
Donna patted the bed beside her and Josh gently sat in the indicated spot. "Hold me?" She whispered.  
  
Josh immediately pulled his wife into his arms. "Always Donnatella."  
  
She burrowed against his chest. After an hour she whispered, "I love you."  
  
Josh brushed a lock of hair off of her forehead. He knew what she was doing. "I love you more than life." He whispered back as the tears began to fall from his eyes.  
  
He lay back against the pillows with her cradled in his arms as one last breath pushed past her lips.  
  
His tears fell hard into her hair as harsh sobs racked his body.  
  
**********  
  
"Aw, Huck." Toby grabbed a rag and wiped the green gunk from his shirt. He lifted the spoon towards his son's mouth once more. Huck lifted his arm and grabbed the spoon. The green mush drizzled down his father's arm and Huck chuckled in delight.  
  
Toby looked at his wife who was having far less trouble with their daughter. "I don't think that he likes it."  
  
Andi laughed. "He's ten-months-old Toby. He isn't behaving like that because he doesn't like the food, he's doing it because it's fun and you're letting him get away with it."  
  
Toby mumbled something under his breath so softly that she couldn't hear it. He raised his voice. "Next time I get Molly."  
  
"Fine." Andi said before bursting into laughter again as Huck grabbed the spoon and again dumped it on his father.  
  
The phone rang and Toby jumped up. "I'll go get that."  
  
Andi rolled her eyes at him. "You just don't want to have to finish feeding him."  
  
Toby briskly walked toward the phone, ignoring her comment. "Toby Ziegler."  
  
"Toby."  
  
Toby tried to place the voice. It was familiar and sounded quite distressed.  
  
"This is Clara Lyman."  
  
Toby glanced across the room at his wife. "Mrs. Lyman."  
  
Andi wiped her daughter's mouth and stood up. After wiping Huck's mouth, she removed both babies from their chairs and walked over to her husband.  
  
"How is Josh?" Toby asked as he took Molly from Andi and held his daughter tight against him. "Should we come over?" He shifted his squirming daughter. "Of course. Let me know." He hung the phone up and turned to his wife.  
  
Andi sucked in her breath at her husband's expression. "She's gone?" It was more of a statement than a question but Toby nodded anyway.  
  
"About fifteen minutes ago."  
  
"How is Josh?"  
  
"As expected. Mrs. Lyman said that he is still with her. He won't leave her."  
  
"Does she want us to go over there? I can have my sister watch the twins." Her younger sister had recently moved to DC to attend George Washington University.  
  
Toby shook his head. "Sam, Leo, and Mal are all already on their way over. Donna's parents are there as well. She wants us to let some people know for her."  
  
"Of course." Andi readily agreed blinking a tear back. She turned down the hall. Toby followed behind his wife. They needed to put the twins down before they could make their calls.  
  
**********  
  
CJ stepped into the briefing room. Why was it that she was always having to come out here to announce things that were personally painful? That was the part of her job that she hated.  
  
"At 7:28 PM the President's secretary Donna Moss-Lyman passed away at her home of Hodgkin's Disease. Her parents, mother-in-law, and husband were with her."  
  
"CJ." Katie called. "How is Josh? Has anyone from the staff seen him?"  
  
"Leo McGarry is at the apartment now. And I'm told Josh is taking this as expected." She glanced around the room. "Michael?"  
  
"Was she expected to die tonight?"  
  
"I saw her earlier in the day. She was laughing and talking with all of us. We did know that she could die at any time. I'll have more information for you at tomorrow's morning briefing."  
  
Stepping out of the pressroom she walked quickly to her office, Carol walking with her. "Has anyone called?"  
  
"Leo called. The coroner and mortuary have both arrived."  
  
CJ nodded as she fought back tears for one of her best friends. "If they call again, put them through." She stepped into her office and shut the door.  
  
*********  
  
Sam stood helplessly in the doorway to his best friend's bedroom. Josh sat on the bed with his wife still in his arms. His tears had dried but he was still holding her tightly, his face etched with pain.  
  
Donna's parents were in the living room, sobbing quietly in each other's arms. Clara was making sandwiches for everyone. She claimed it was because they all had to eat. Sam knew that it had more to do with the fact that she needed to keep busy so she didn't dwell on what happened.  
  
Stepping past Sam, Leo approached the bed. "Josh. Can you come to the living room?" He spoke gently. After almost an hour, they needed to get Josh out of here.  
  
Josh pulled his wife's body closer.  
  
"Come on Josh." Mallory coaxed softly. "You need to do this for Donna. She'd want you to come eat now."  
  
Josh pushed hair away from his wife's face. "I can't eat Mal." He said hoarsely.  
  
"Come try Josh." Sam stepped closer to the bed.  
  
Josh watched his three closest friends for a moment before leaning forward to kiss Donna's forehead. He knew that they were right. She'd want him to at least try to eat. "I love you." He whispered to her still form before standing up.  
  
He walked out to the living room between Sam and Leo with Mal trailing behind. He froze when he saw his in-laws sitting on the sofa. He felt Leo's hand on his shoulder.  
  
Hearing footsteps, Donald looked up. He squeezed his wife's hand to alert her. "Josh." He said, standing.  
  
Josh stiffened as Meredith and Donald approached him, hand in hand.  
  
"I'm sorry son." Donald said as he dropped a hand to Josh's other shoulder.  
  
Meredith felt her tears build up again as she watched the grief play on Josh's features. She had never been overly fond of her son-in-law and definitely hadn't liked his profession but it was easy to see how much he'd loved her daughter. She stepped forward to give him a quick hug.  
  
The doorbell ringing startled all of them. Sam, the first to recover, hurried to the door. Solemn faced, he led employees of the mortuary and the coroner's assistant into the living room.  
  
"Mr. Lyman." The assistant coroner held out his hand. Josh shook it numbly and without thought. It was one of those things that was ingrained into him.  
  
The man met Leo's eyes. "Where is Mrs. Moss-Lyman?"  
  
"I'll take you to her." Mallory quickly offered.  
  
Leo led Josh to the sofa just as his mother entered the room with a platter of sandwiches and cookies.  
  
Sam sighed as he took a sandwich. He wasn't hungry but he couldn't push Josh to eat if he didn't. He smiled his thanks to Josh's mother.  
  
Leo picked up a napkin and used it to pick up a sandwich square, which he then handed to Josh. "You need to eat son."  
  
Josh stared down at the piece of food before taking a bit. The sandwich had absolutely no taste but he ate it instinctively. Chewing was another thing that you could do mindlessly, he discovered.  
  
***********  
  
Two days later  
  
**********  
  
The church was packed. Members of Congress sat with her very large extended family. Many members of the White House press corps were there, not to get a story, rather to mourn for their friend. The President, First Lady, and youngest First Daughter sat in the first row along with Charlie. Across from them was Josh, surrounded by his mother, Leo, Mal, Sam, and Donna's parents and brother. Her sister hadn't been able to attend the funeral as she was unable to travel in her eighth month of pregnancy. Behind them sat Toby, Andi, CJ, Margaret, Carol, Ginger, and Bonnie.  
  
Josh watched the funeral with tears in his eyes. He listened as Donna's brother Alexander eulogized her and as CJ, Sam and Toby all spoke during the time for remarks. Later he would not be able to remember their words but they were beautiful and described his Donnatella perfectly.  
  
The funeral ended and he stood mindlessly and made his way back to the limo.  
  
He felt as if his life was over. As if he was dead too.  
  
*********  
  
Finished  
  
Author's notes: I've started the sequel and hope to have it up soon.  
  
Dabda; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance, is kind of like a scale used to explain the emotional process that dying patients and their families go through. But, it is different for everyone. Some people go through it in a different order.  
  
Hodgkin's Disease is a form of cancer that affects the lymph node system. There are several types of Hodgkin's. Most are not deadly if caught early on. Donna had the rarest type which also has the worst prognosis. Most symptoms of Hodgkin's either do not show up early on in the disease or are easily mistaken for something else, because of that, the disease is often diagnosed when the patient has tests for another reason. The disease is often diagnosed through a variety of tests including a comprehensive blood test and a chest x-ray.  
  
All of my information on the disease comes from personal experience. I'm not a medical professional and could easily be wrong on medical details. If you suspect you have Hodgkin's see a doctor as it is a very serious illness and can be deadly. 


End file.
